Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

Dreading my birthday + inactivity

Journal Entry: Sat Mar 18, 2017, 6:32 AM

my birthday is coming up, the 8th of April...

I've usually liked my birthdays, and other celebrations, like christmas etc... 
but my joy for my birthdays are fading

Another year I've failed to improve my art
another year where I still don't have friends outside those online, to hang out with
then there's also the fact that I feel like I'm losing the friends I do have online also. 
people I would speak to on a daily or almost daily or at least weekly basis... barely see
online or talk to anymore, and the growing feeling of being isolated and alone both irl and online... 

Another year where I've failed to lose weight, and have to deal with feeling like I disappoint and worry my 
mother and my older brother in particular., esp mom though, she nags a lot because she's worried... 

It's so hard though, when you feel drained, and lacking in energy... 
Yet I know from having had issues and being successful once in the past, that if I lost weight, I'd have more energy,
and that I've done it before and I have the potential to do it again... just this time seems so much harder. 
Despite school being an awful place for me regardless which school it was... having studies, homework, limited time... 
was that part of why it was easier then? or was it something else? was it simply that I wasn't as overweight then as I am now? 
then there's also the fact of feeling guilty that I should be working on losing weight, rather than try to draw, that has been increasing...

I just feel so.... guilty, empty and drained
My birthday this year I really dread it. I just feel like I've failed to do so much since my last birthday, be it weight, change in my art or whatever... 

the stress, frustration and sadness I feel each month over my limited 100gb internet before snail speed internet doesn't help me either... 
every month it's worry, stress and crying over too little internet, even with downloading patreon rewards either at my brother or my mother's place I struggle so much. 
this internet sub just feels so eternally long.... it's definitely part of what drains me and makes me feel bad, though obviously not all of it. 

it also feels like a sad statement of my life that my current bright spots in the week/things to constantly look forward to and enjoy,  is guild raid in World of Warcraft, and competing with the 2 people I've been teaming up with the last week or so in OW competitive

aside from that, due to struggling with my art, and not being able to watch streams on picarto/twitch and such... the time seems to pass both slowly and quickly... 
each day seems slow outside of my gaming, the week goes slowly too, yet the months where I feel each month I keep failing over and over seem to happen so often and quickly...  

I'm just... so tired. 

(currently stored most of my gallery, might unstore at some point again, but for now it's in storage) 

Skin by UszatyArbuz

Move Starts Today!

Thu Jun 30, 2016, 8:38 AM

just writing a quick journal before disconnection time, my dad is arriving soon (10-20 min i think now), so soon turning off and disconnecting my PC. 

I'm not sure when I'll have internet, and since there's limited options for internet and without any 12 month binding for it or super pricy, I'll do as my brother came up with- use my cellphone & cell abonnement as modem and internet.  my provider has no binding so can freely change from month to month, so can use that until the fibernet is up/ready for the apartment. 

until I get it fixed though, I will only check a bit on my phone, but my activity will be reduced ^ ^

I hope to have internet again as soon as possible, and hope they get the fibernet up quick too, so I won't have to use the temp solution longer than july+august  

 i'm excited, but also a bit exhausted, esp from last couple of days. I'm looking forward to my new place though c:  

Moving soon(ish)!! - (IRL)

Thu May 26, 2016, 4:12 PM

so, last week I was on a showing of an apartment about 30 min drive from where I currently live, and I got it the same weekend o v o  
I wanted to wait with writing anything further about it until I had the contract signed though~ 

I'll be moving around late june/1.july somewhere. 

I'm really looking forward to moving~ it's a bit more pricy than my current, but not too much higher, and it's larger. 
my current place is about 27m², new is approx 80 m².  I'll actually have a bedroom again, and I'll also have an own room to use as office/library/art room, a nice living room, good kitchen, and nice and big lawn. it's also got good storage! (attic + garage)  

it's about 1 km from downtown/central part of town, which is manageable o v o

I'll be living in the second floor, so even though I'll have to pay for power this time (current place had all included, power, internet, tv)  
i'll save some money heating since second floors are usually warmer than first floors, and it's preferable to be above than downstairs i think. 

it's also got an AC/heating pump unit, so that will be nice all year round (currently broken, but upon learning it was, landlord said he'll be fixing it)  
it's also got 2 fireplaces - one in the living room area, and another in the office room.  uncertain of type of the office one, but the living room one is wood for sure

deposit was listed at three months in the listing, but since the guy i'll be renting from is a nice guy, and i've previously used a government guarantee thing, he had lowered it to two months deposit in the contract, it's probably because mom brought that up, and this was my first step to getting into using a deposit rather than any guarantee from the government. 


its got a dishwasher

I cannot. tell you how much I hate washing cutlery, esp spoons xD   sure won't use for all kind of stuff, but it will be helpful for sure~ o v o  b

shower&washer room is a bit small, but works~, and is separate from toilet, so toilet is more of a powder room i think they call it?

Can anyone tell I'm excited to have more space, to not feel like I live up in the walls, and to get a fresh start somewhere new?  
I'm sure my dog will love it too, it was listed with pets allowed, and the guy I'm renting from likes dogs too. 

he doesn't live in first floor himself though, he lives in another town entirely. currently, there's a 45 year old woman living in first floor, but after he gave me second floor apartment, 
and before we signed contract, he told us that after she had lived there 10 years, she had gotten an opportunity to buy something of her own, and will be moving around august or something.  

hopefully, that doesn't change how I'll be able to use the lawn for my dog and myself much, because unlike before, new tenant downstairs will be uncertain. 
current, I didn't get impression used the lawn much, and my main concern is that it would compromise in concern to my dog esp, and that if they use it a lot too, that I'll be too shy/selfconcious to use it for myself ><

and for a small fun story about the used sofa that seems nice mom found me in an ad -  she was looking around on same listing site i found the apartment (used for a lot of sale/giving away/work,etcc stuff) 
and most she thought looked like junk, and when she found one she thought she was nice, it turned out seller was one of mom's good friends xD  

what's left for me to figure out furniture wise, is TV, the washer, living room table
(mom has offered me one she currently has a while ago, but I want to ask her if fine to take with now or later/another time, since it was because she wants to get something new after having that a long time, and she'd rather offer it to me first, rather than my aunt. I'll possibly have to pay for that table though, but we'd be able to figure that out )  

what I'm dreading most currently
is packing
unpacking too

I got so much small stuff urghh and I'll have to look through papers and sort some stuff too, in a few drawers and cabinets. 
^  is why I'm likely to not want to move often/give places a chance xDD  

anyway~  fresh start somewhere new will be nice <33

PC update + possible plans

Journal Entry: Wed Mar 23, 2016, 6:32 PM


I finally switched back to my own PC instead of my brothers that I was borrowing, since mom
is heading in his direction tomorrow and wanted to bring his back when she had driving help 

from what I can tell, all my files are ok, like my bro said <3  my bookmarks, files.. yay~ is also wayyy more quiet than usual, but it usually gets noisier again after a bit of use,
even careful use, usually most noticeable during gaming though.. ^^ 

..the biggest challenge to getting it up and running was getting it out of the box in the box. 
1 - big box with big air pocket proctection, then another box, with PC in, which also has same protection inside 
and since the big box is so tall, it was so hard to even get it up xD I had to find something to step on pff

Now, PC stuff aside, once I finish up a few stuff on my to-do list, I will probably do a few choice
projects/art pieces before trying to get back to working on making new comm samples & re-open comms ^^

I'm also not used to my brush short cuts anymore obv, so part of the reason why xD 
..I need to clean up my brushes here some day, there's a lot I didn't use but was testing out, and my brushes in this SAI
is so full, I can only make... 2 more and it's filled up with brushes xD 

unintentional selfharm... xD //facepalm

Journal Entry: Wed Mar 9, 2016, 6:04 AM


so, last week, my right wrist started to hurt.  and it was first on friday or so i realized why. 
it was my own fault, my own idiocy. 

sometimes, you do things so many times one way, that you think you still do it that way right?
so, i got this student stove with fridge underneath, and sometimes the metal makes noise, and hitting it helps. 
now, normally i used my right hand palm.  it took me till friday to realize that for some reason, without realizing....
i'd been using my wrist, instead of open palm....    /facepalm

my hand is feeling better now, since i've been more aware /concious about it if i have to hit it due to noise, and as safety
in case slip up again... i've switched to doing it with my left hand's palm/aka not my drawing hand.  xD 
(though should i slip up again, i think i'll realize much faster next time if there's even a next time xDD ) 

so now that my wrist is better, i'll dedicate as much time as possible today and until done, to finish my YCH commission. 
once i'm done with that, I'll start moving my files over to my external disc, and swap computers.  which means judgement time
to see if my files are ok o 3 o    

(though small chance i'll take a few days to draw + game fallout 4 a bit more, since aside from world of warcraft, i usually don't have 
room for other games installed at the same time xD )  

Sick + PC update

Journal Entry: Tue Feb 9, 2016, 3:00 PM


currently a bit sick ^^ 
i don't get sick often though, so i don't see it as a big problem though. bought new cough medicine today, old expired (got it from mom for like.. 2+ yrs ago i think) 

bigger issue for me this time round was my nose - being both stuffy and runny, and giving me more of a headache+ tired & dizzy feeling than i'd usually get 
so also bought a nose spray, first time i tried it though

noticed improvement fast though, so at least no headaches from nose anymore ;; hopefully i will get better soon, i don't draw much when i sneeze a lot or have trouble with cough, so with combo, kinda hard for me atm xD 

(also i don't care if i get stuffy and or runny nose, cough, or fever or even diarrhea of common passing diseases - as long as it's not vomit xD  vomit free since my oldest younger sister was 5-6, she's 15 now. xD  she was also patient 0 of that round, then gave  it to my older bro and dad, and then me, only my younger brother was safe /got off clean xD  )


my PC arrived....tuesday i think last week so one week ago today, still haven't been able to bring it home yet though, it was so hard to even get it to post office even though close... so i decided that since warranty covered PC repair and shipping to and from the place, to just pay extra to have it delivered to my door >> (was approx 13.34 in usd , which considering trouble gave me getting to office when sending off... worth it to not have to do again xD )  

should start moving bookmarks to list /save and move files to external disc and prepare to switch back to my own PC and check my files are fine, but i'll wait till i feel a bit better first > <  at least i no longer have to worry about how to bring it home ;; 

my cooler was the problem with my PC - it had become defect and started leaking, so not weird my power supply died, was definitely problem i could hear/see from the outside xD  
(and definitely not anything that is any fault of mine xD just bad luck, though at the same time good luck it happened within 3 yr warranty and not after) 

on inside, it also killed/ruined my graphic card and main card, so all of the above has been changed for free /been covered by warranty 
my brother says that hard discs are in a different area, so should be fine, but i'll wait with breathing out till i can see my files, and bookmarks and such are fine xD 

it should be delivered sometime tomorrow to my door, though i think even if delay happen, at least most important is i booked home delivery before 16th /return date and definitely won't be so late when
pay for home delivery now xD  

PC update+ new keybord and mouse+etc

Journal Entry: Tue Jan 5, 2016, 8:02 AM


Whoo~ back from my bro -  
well was back saturday, but got the PC set up late, and spent sun+mon being super frustrated with my mouse
it started double left clicking at least 2/3 times... which can be quite annoying no matter what you're doing xD

so bought a new mouse today. got a new keyboard (mechanical) for christmas from dad. so both are new and all now so. xD
my bro recommended me this mouse ^^ 

I loveee this keyboard. color customizing your keys are funn, also the sound adjustment <3 so much better/faster than my old - more durable over time too I think~  
I actually got to try it out before he bought it, since my brother has the same keyboard xD it was plugged into the PC I borrowed while I was visiting (not this PC) 

ofc, going to take some adjustment, esp shift, ctrl and other handy 
buttons on the left side, since suddenly I got another column for macros next to it, so it's not on
the far left side anymore xD I'm used to shift n such 
to be on end, but hey, that's... about habit and I'll get used to it over time xD

My own PC is still not sent off, I picked up the box though, just need to figure out smartest way to get it in, how I best protect it with the protection they sent with, 
and try to get it sent off during this week sometime. 

but WOW. the WEATHER AND WIND FEELS MUCH COLDER HERE THAN AT MY BRO'S PLACE. Know it's typical for town to be super cold/biting cold because of river
and all, but it's still quite different from what I got used to there and sudden change xDD

created a new to match my username change~ ^ ^
I'm going to actually organize my PC files first though, before 
re-uploading chars and such, so can upload all at once later~ 

Also, anyone got any anime recommendations? o v o 
the more recommendations the better~ I need stuff to watch / want to get
back into watching anime

optional, but also brief what is about or what type, or why you like it - humor, story , animation, etc.. 

Name change!

Sat Oct 10, 2015, 4:29 PM


for a while
I've been growing tired of how 
diaxie keeps making me think of diancie


to something with less kawaii feel but still kinda cute or strong ring or combo of moth  - Amelise feels cute, soft and strong to me ^ ^

also.. with max 1  i
... two i's was kinda annoying to me somehow too ahaha xD 

though, when i made this account, and for a while, something more cutesy like diaxie was what i needed, but while i will cherish how it cheered me up for a while, and made me smile for a while, it's time is up, I've felt less and less connected to it over some time now ^ ^  

Stuff for trade for october trade day

Journal Entry: Fri Sep 4, 2015, 9:38 AM

Have for trade:

x2 unicorn horn    Unicorn Horns by rainue  

x1-2 bustles        Bustle Mutation by rainue


Seraphic Wing Upgrade by rainue Twin Horns by rainue Halo Upgrade by rainue 

(listed in order of priority)

(depending on item & what you want of items and or quantity, I can also do art/add art -
mostly for seraph, but might consider doing so for devil horns too - not for halo though.
seraph & devil horns are top priority of my wants ^ ^) 



since there's also going to be a trade day mid-october, 
I'm still looking ^ ^ 

from this set: 


Seraphic Wings Upgrade
since my attempt to toss items after seraph no go so far
(2 bustle, 1-3 unicorn horns) doesn't have any bites.. 
I've decided to try bribe with Neverland 
it's the only thing I can think of that I can try to bribe with, that mighttt hopefully be tempting enough xD


lunaradopts / lunareden - my x1 unicorn horn for art by luna of tobin (sent horn)

Design by harleshinn
CSS by moonfreak

Art Trades (temp closed )

Sun Aug 16, 2015, 9:00 AM
feel free to post despite this though, if you're fine with waiting for me to consider 
when clear some stuff up <3 


first off, my most important rule for this is... 
that I do my part first   -     it's been forever since I've done art trades, 
especially outside of friends, so personal preference xD 

OTHER THAN THAT    :bademoticon:  :bademoticon: 

make sure you make clear what you're interested in from me, quantity, 
what you're offering in return and quantity, so everything is 100% clear o v o b

Also, what character(s) you want me to draw in return ^ ^
include personality+short info if they have one, if not, then no biggie, I'm still undecided
on most my characters/keep redoing, so for trades, it's not a must~

AH ALSO, if there's any special/specific style you want, or if I can experiment/play with it. 
You're also free to try ask me to do stuff I normally don't offer much for commissions, like pixels (mostly got older samples for that),
repeating BGs (they're usually 2 chibis + objects/decoration),  non-chibi , etc....  

You're also free to ask for sketch trades if don't have much time or prefer sketch trade or w/e ^ ^

Misc Emoji-11 (Stars) [V1]  Characters I want drawn this time around:  Misc Emoji-11 (Stars) [V1] 

(please let me know if any is fine, or if there are any particular ones that you especially want to draw/prefer to draw ^ ^)

(if you're unsure if they're male or female, feel free to ask to make sure xD)

Trading with + progress: 

♦ - Bellisaurus  - complete :
♦ - Polka-Pot 
♦ - ikr 

Skin by SimplySilent

okay, so with encouragement from my friend ikr and there being some interest from poll,
i made ittttt  /hit

diaxie id was taken by suspended acc, and ariaxie by non-suspended acc 
but i did manage to find an id i like so is ok~



most might be traditional, since i prefer sketching traditionally, 
but i also want to practice digital sketches more this year too~ 


when i get more used to twitter, i might use it for updates or social
a bit too~ o v o