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Dreading my birthday + inactivity

Journal Entry: Sat Mar 18, 2017, 6:32 AM

my birthday is coming up, the 8th of April...

I've usually liked my birthdays, and other celebrations, like christmas etc... 
but my joy for my birthdays are fading

Another year I've failed to improve my art
another year where I still don't have friends outside those online, to hang out with
then there's also the fact that I feel like I'm losing the friends I do have online also. 
people I would speak to on a daily or almost daily or at least weekly basis... barely see
online or talk to anymore, and the growing feeling of being isolated and alone both irl and online... 

Another year where I've failed to lose weight, and have to deal with feeling like I disappoint and worry my 
mother and my older brother in particular., esp mom though, she nags a lot because she's worried... 

It's so hard though, when you feel drained, and lacking in energy... 
Yet I know from having had issues and being successful once in the past, that if I lost weight, I'd have more energy,
and that I've done it before and I have the potential to do it again... just this time seems so much harder. 
Despite school being an awful place for me regardless which school it was... having studies, homework, limited time... 
was that part of why it was easier then? or was it something else? was it simply that I wasn't as overweight then as I am now? 
then there's also the fact of feeling guilty that I should be working on losing weight, rather than try to draw, that has been increasing...

I just feel so.... guilty, empty and drained
My birthday this year I really dread it. I just feel like I've failed to do so much since my last birthday, be it weight, change in my art or whatever... 

the stress, frustration and sadness I feel each month over my limited 100gb internet before snail speed internet doesn't help me either... 
every month it's worry, stress and crying over too little internet, even with downloading patreon rewards either at my brother or my mother's place I struggle so much. 
this internet sub just feels so eternally long.... it's definitely part of what drains me and makes me feel bad, though obviously not all of it. 

it also feels like a sad statement of my life that my current bright spots in the week/things to constantly look forward to and enjoy,  is guild raid in World of Warcraft, and competing with the 2 people I've been teaming up with the last week or so in OW competitive

aside from that, due to struggling with my art, and not being able to watch streams on picarto/twitch and such... the time seems to pass both slowly and quickly... 
each day seems slow outside of my gaming, the week goes slowly too, yet the months where I feel each month I keep failing over and over seem to happen so often and quickly...  

I'm just... so tired. 

(currently stored most of my gallery, might unstore at some point again, but for now it's in storage) 

Skin by UszatyArbuz
Skin by UszatyArbuz (modified by Amelise)
FuzzyScribbles Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I understand hun. I've been trying to lose weight all for a year now but keep breaking from the healthy lifestyle and now I'm moving out the US soon and it's like oh god cause when I move cross country (California to New Jersey) I gained like 50 lbs. So now I feel I'm more scared than determined to lose weight so the scale is moving slowly :c
Art wise, I've noticed improvement but sadly the inspiration has been crappy so havent' done much and it's made me feel even crappier.
I wish we lived closer where we could meet up weekly or daily and work out. I've been wanting to find a workout partner but everyone near me has a demanding job since it's expensive here or they have kids orz

Stay determined though, if you'd like I use MyFitnessPal which is an app to help you record your weight, food intake and exercise. We can add each other on there and get each other pumped to lose weight and stay motivated.
Art improvement wise, I've started sketching more and referencing stuff from instagram and real life. Maybe give that a go? Or try a different medium. I heard clay and even pixeling has helped people improve in the medium they are most used to when they come back to it.
RyverWren Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Maybe take a minute to message a few of your friends, even if they aren't online you can still keep in touch. But ignoring them to only play a game at your brother's is of course going to alienate people. 

As for weight, you should take a look at your diet and try to make baby step improvements! It's really helping me. Buy candy bars only one per grocery store trip, that way even when you get cravings you can't do too much damage to your diet. That's really helped me. 
Nairuna Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Awww, don't make things bader than they are, dear :hug:
Don't know if it helps...but...
I know what you are going through with this thoughts. I know them myself.
But I learned that I don't have to answer the thoughts and feelings. They want that you feel bad. But it only can take control over you if you listen to them.
My therapist told this the "bubbling ape" I should ignore.
But I'm sure they told you the same all the time...

It's frustrating, it's hard and it's going on all nerves. But if you manage to stand up and fight against them it will be better...
I know that I will never be healed of the thoughts and feelings but I don't want that they are controlling's everytime a fight but every win makes me stronger and shows me that I am not my bad feelings and thoughts.
I'm better!
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